Why is everyone acting so strangely?

Something's gotten into people recently

Photo by Tim Mossholder via Pexels

My Dear Reader,

Over the past year or so, I’ve had suspicions that something big was happening. The clues were everywhere.  Nobody applauded when I tackled the masked vagrant approaching the cash register at the gas station. The mailman asked me to stop giving him a big hug every time he brought me a letter. People were far less tolerant and accepting when I walked through the produce section in the grocery store and let loose a series of hacking, open-mouthed coughs. This isn’t the country I remember, and I decided to investigate what could be causing such a decline in friendliness. 

Obviously, I had my theories. Perhaps there had been an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. That always seemed to get the populace down in the dumps. Every time I’m confronted with the image of an oil-drenched pelican, I certainly don’t feel like volunteering at a soup kitchen or donating to UNICEF, and I’m sure that if you’re being honest with yourself, you’d say the same. Under intense scrutiny, however, the theory didn’t hold up - people don’t close restaurants and wear masks simply because of a single oil spill. Maybe they would for a very large oil spill, or a series of oil spills, but after interrogating the manager at the local Shell station, it didn’t seem as if this was the case. 

My next hunch revolved around shoddy dentistry. This seemed far more likely; we need teeth in order to chew food. Without them, restaurants would be limited to serving a select variety of mushes, and I can only name three or four types of mush without doing far more intensive research. I suppose it would be rather difficult to start a dining establishment on a foundation of mush. This theory also explained the masks and the desire to distance from one another: if people are ashamed of their teeth, they certainly wouldn’t want to show them, and “social distancing” might limit the spreading of bad breath. Halitosis can be very detrimental to one’s job/mating prospects. If this was the case and the cause, as I presumed, I would have accepted it gladly. The oral-hygiene industry is out of control. We’ve been under the thumb of Big Tooth for far too long. Again, unfortunately, my reasonable assumption was mercilessly mocked after I had spent forty-five minutes shrieking at an orthodontist in a parking garage. “You honestly think dentists caused this pandemic? Do you live under a rock?” some Philistine interjected while I was in the midst of referring to the orthodontist as a “mugger of mouths” and a “butcher of bicuspids.” 

At this point, I must point out to you, dear reader, that I do my best to maintain my composure while out in the field. It’s not easy being an investigative journalist, and there are many out there who wish me nothing but harm on my quest for truth. I am constantly stomping down my emotions to glean what I can from my surroundings, and this situation provided a fantastic example. While the man who laughed at me in the parking garage while I was yelling at the orthodontist clearly didn’t care about my project in the slightest, he did unwittingly provide a very helpful nugget of information that I hadn’t considered previously: he used the word pandemic. 

To understand this term more fully, we need to break it apart into its constituent parts. Pan- (the Greek word for “across”) -de- (the Spanish word for “of” or “from”) -mic (also spelled “mick,” which is an offensive way to refer to the Irish). With this advanced linguistic understanding, we can see that the term “pandemic” means “across from the Irish,” or what we know today as Great Britain. 

I do not know exactly what I will find upon entering Great Britain, but I know that in order to get to the bottom of this trend of widespread antisocial behavior, I’m going to have to go. Obviously this is not the safest place to travel as an American. Who knows the collective British attitude towards the United States since the events of the late 18th Century? Will I be spat upon and called an “ungrateful colonist?” Will I be tarred and feathered? These are the risks of investigative journalism, and I was fully aware of them when I entered this line of work. You, my dear reader, are as hungry for truth as I am, and for that reason alone, I am willing to put my life on the line and travel to Great Britain. 

Stay informed.

BHDP